Here we are.  It’s spring 2017 and I’ve been fighting breast cancer for almost 9 years now and have finally decided to share my story.  I know, I know there’s like a million blogs related to cancer, survival and personal anecdotes but so many people have been encouraging me to write a book about my story but let’s face it, I’m much to lazy to do that! What I hope to accomplish with this blog is to help people especially women survive their journey with a sense of humour all the while looking great like me! Ya, ya I’m vain and superficial! Whatever! Look good, feel good is my motto.  I just want to give all of my readers great tips like What to do when you loose all your body hair without looking like a hairless cat, How to draw in your eyebrows without looking like your great aunt, Managing your dry skin so that you won’t look like a scaly snake and how to respond to people offering weird unsolicited advice.  Oh and let’s not forget How to bitch slap your husband when he keeps passing out from all the stress.  I also hope to do that with a sense of humour because let’s face it, if you don’t laugh you’ll cry and ruin your really nice makeup that I hope you’ll apply following my tips.

I suppose I should start by introducing myself.  I’m Danielle and I’m of a certain age.  I’ve been married to the most supportive and amazing husband for 37 years and I’m the mother of a very smart(ass) son who is a psychology professor with a PhD and a very beautiful and funny daughter who is a lawyer with the Children’s’ Aid Society and the mother of my two amazing grandchildren.  I’m from a fairly big French Canadian family so I get a lot of support from them as well.  I’m a self-confessed fashionista and am obsessed with skin care, makeup, fashion and fitness.  I was a high-school teacher specializing in social sciences and absolutely loved my job and the kids.  It broke my heart to take early retirement but I couldn’t give the kids 100% anymore so I decided to leave.

By the way, if you think you’re not at risk for cancer YOU ARE!  I’m a vegetarian (OK I eat organic chicken now), I don’t smoke, I don’t drink alcohol, I exercise like a fanatic, drink the recommended amount of water, breastfed my 2 kids, was in my 40s and no one in my family has ever had cancer (and I’m the youngest of 7). So I was definitely not at risk according to all the studies.

I don’t want to bore you with when and how I was diagnosed. Suffice it to say it was 9 years ago and I endured a lumpectomy, mastectomy, chemotherapy, radiation therapy, hormone supressing therapies followed by a series of reconstructive surgeries. Unfortunately, just when I thought I had it beat, the cancer metastasised in my femur and my spine 5 years later and so I needed surgery to insert a big-ass pin in my femur and more chemotherapy and radiation. Holy shit! So???? like when can I go back to spin class doc? His answer was 6 weeks. Ok then, I’ve got this!  Well not quite. The following year the stupid cancer was back in my liver!! WTF??? I don’t drink any alcohol so why my liver? Who the fuck knows! So guess what? Super industrial strength estrogen suppressors injected in my butt and more chemotherapy.  Lets try 3 different kinds of chemo and see if that works. Which brings us to today.  I still have a tumour in my liver, small ones in my lungs (did I mention that I’m a non-smoker) and more in my spine.  I’ve recently had radiation to treat my spine and some ribs because those tend to crack once in a while.  And I’m still on chemotherapy. You would think I would be depressed about that shit but you know what? I’m really not! And it’s not because I’m religious or spiritual because I’m definitely not.  I just think that as long as I live my life to the fullest and have left behind great memories for the people I’ve come into contact with,  my job here is done. There is no room for negativity in my life now so for all the arseholes who project negativity? Peace out! There’s only room for positive people on the Danielle Train.

Here we go!

Let’s start with Attitude.  Everyone knows a good attitude positively impacts your healing but sometimes (ok so most of the time) it’s freaking hard to have a positive attitude when your hair falls out, your eyebrows and eyelashes have somehow disappeared and you feel like you’ve been run over by a freight train! I think that what helped me the most in keeping a positive attitude was my family, especially my husband and my two kids.  I looked at them and saw that I have so much love in my life it’s almost unfair to other people.  My job as a parent was and is make sure my children become independent, good, kind and giving people.  That they themselves become good and loving parents to their children so that my legacy lives on.  I want them to pass on to their kids the same lessons that I gave them regarding work ethic, kindness, tolerance, charity and love.  In turn, I hope that my grandchildren will learn these same lessons and pass it on to their children.  That,  my friends is my idea of eternal life.  And that applies to everyone that I come into contact with, from my students to my coworkers and my friends and acquaintances.  I hope that I have touched others positively and that they will have fond memories of my life and my Positive Attitude.  So….. If you have not led an exemplary life, and who has really? now is perhaps the time for you to work on that.  Give whatever you can to a cause you hold close to your heart.  Be kind.  You’ll be surprised at how good it feels.  (I spent my T.V. time crocheting hats for the homeless with yarn I had leftover from various projects and yarn that had been given to me.) Get involved in your community.  I know you might feel like crap right now and you want to focus on yourself. I get it.  But doing for others will, I guarantee you, lift your spirits.  Coming to terms with your mortality probably isn’t what you want to think about but let’s face reality here, everyone dies.  The only difference between you and the non-cancerous is that you have a time frame.  Your neighbour could get killed in a car accident tomorrow and he didn’t see it coming but you on the other hand know that your time will probably come sooner than you had planned.  Wow! that was morbid! But it has to be out there right? The elephant in cyberspace has been revealed.  WE ARE ALL MORTAL.  Let’s make the most of the time that we have left.

Dealing with the boogeyman Depression.  Who the fuck invited him to the party?  Not me that’s for sure.  Being the positive person that I am, I never thought depression would dog me but…. when the cancer came back in my femur and my spine, my positive attitude kinda took a left turn.  My amazing daughter had just gotten married to a wonderful man and my husband retired from his job as a car dealership manager.  He bought himself a cute little red Mercedes roadster and we were planning a river cruise down the Danube.  Then BAM! another cancer diagnosis.  That was enough to make me a tad bit depressed!  So…. I went to see a therapist at the Cancer Centre and she really helped me put things into perspective.  But I needed a little more help.  Of the pharmaceutical persuasion.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I needed therapy and drugs to get me back to my old positive self.  You do what you gotta do girlfriend! It helps that my son was working on his PhD in Psychology specializing in Gerontology.  Being the control freak that I am it’s surprising that I didn’t resist the help.  I’m that woman. “I can do anything! I’m wonder woman, give me more responsibilities I can take it!”  You have to give in sometimes and let someone or something else help you.

Another thing that helped me out enormously is exercising.  I know it’s not for everyone but COME ON just get moving!  I’ve always been somewhat fit, never letting that needle on the scale get out of control but when I finished my first bout with chemo, my daughter convinced me to join her at a spin class.  Even though I thought I would die, I pushed myself and pretty soon I was doing 3 hour spin for charity sessions! I got into the routine of 3 one hour spin classes a week and 3 weight training sessions a week.  I continued this for about 8 years but this past year, the high heart rate you achieve with a spin class make me nauseated so I stopped that to focus more on weight training.  I have to modify a lot of the exercises because of my spine and weak ribs but I figured if I do everything while sitting on the exercise ball, I protect my spine and work out my core as well.  As for cardio work , I bought an elliptical machine and to that about 1/2 hour a day followed by an hour of weights.  I know it seems like a lot but it keeps me relatively sane and the endorphines help my mood a great deal.  I figure if I can do all that, I can’t be that sick right?  The bonus is that I’m protecting my bones by building muscle mass.  And….. I look fabulous! (well for a 56 year old woman anyway)

Another activity that has helped me battle depression is reading.  A good book is such great escapism but if you’re not a reader I urge you to give it a try.  I much prefer that to movies, even though that helps too, because you can bring it with you to all your appointments.  Sitting in the chemo room in that chair with other patients can be depressing so a good book will take you away from that I promise you. But stay away from those depressing books that make you sad.  I like a good thriller or mystery myself because I like to try to figure out who done it.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do in order to keep my life and my attitude positive is to cut certain people out of my life.  It seems really harsh but…. Remember the Danielle Train?  There is no room for negative arseholes to come aboard!  Someone who was very close to me somehow turned into a negative and bitter bitch! Ya I said it!  It was all “I hate this” and “I don’t like that” and blah, blah, blah, “poor me, nothing is going my way”.  WAAAAA!! And I’m supposed to listen to her whine about everything and everyone while SHE’s in good health, has money and can do whatever the fuck she wants while I’m struggling to keep it together??? I don’t think so Bitch!  Peace out!

Make yourself a Bucket list.  What have you always wanted to do or see? Now’s the time to see to it.  Make yourself a list and try really hard to cross off the items on your list.  It could be an event you always wanted to attend like a concert or a sporting event.  Of course it should be reasonably attainable.  Like I always wanted to meet my secret boyfriend Carey Price, the goaltender for the Montreal Canadians, but I settled on going to see a game.  I think I’ve attended concerts to all the artists I wanted to see (The Police, Pink, U2, Pavarotti, Andrea Bocceli) and I went to see the World Junior Hockey Championship series.  I’ve visited most countries and cities I wanted to experience but my list for travelling keeps growing.  I realise that these experiences aren’t realistic for many people so make a list that is.  You know your time is limited so do what you can to go through that list.

What I also find really helpful is having little projects to keep me busy.  Luckily, I’m a pretty good seamstress so I’ve been keeping myself challenged by taking on projects like making my daughter’s maternity clothes, making stuffed toys for my grandchildren and all of my daughter’s friends who are all breeding like bunnies.  She just has to say “Maman, I’d need a cover for the baby’s car seat” and I’m on it! Then I make some for her friends.  She also wanted a hospital gown because she was grossed out by the fact that people could have died in the one they give you at the hospital. So I made her two and some for her friends too.  I can now make sleep sacks with my eyes closed now because I must have made at least 20!  With the birth of my beautiful little granddaughter Daniela, I’ve been sewing pretty little dresses for every occasion and some just because.  Right now I’m working on a duvet cover that looks like an owl for her big girl bed.  These projects keep my mind busy and instead of thinking negative thoughts,  I try to design clothing for my babies and for myself.  I’ve designed a lot of pieces in the MRI machine!

But if you feel that sewing just isn’t for you, try knitting, crocheting, quilting, or even painting.  I’ve taken up painting for the first time since high school and even though I basically suck at it, I throw paint on a canvas and call it abstract modern art!  I’ve actually had people ask me to paint shit for them.  Go Me!  Baking is another hobby that I absolutely love but unfortunately I also like to eat so….. I only bake for special occasions.  I enjoy cooking as well and I try to make one meal a week that my husband and I have never tried just to spice things up.

Speaking of meals…. lets talk diet.  Not the Atkins kind or that Paleo crap.  You just want to eat healthy.  Eat what your biology and Mother Nature intended you to eat.  What I mean by that is try really hard to eat mostly only meals and snacks that have not been processed.  Sounds daunting and time consuming but it really isn’t.  Just try to eat only food that YOU or someone you trust had actually made.  I’m talking about Homemade Everything!  Make your own bread, your own granola, your own sauces, crackers and nothing processed like boxed cereals, processed meats…. You get the picture.  And the hardest… Avoid sugar and use maple syrup, agave, molasses etc… I know it’s really hard but you can do it! Your health depends on it.  Am I nagging?  I feel like I’m nagging. Sorry!  It’s all about taking control of your life and to me this is all part of it.