Let’s lighten things up a little by talking about how bizarre surgeries can be.  In my case, there seems to be a funny story for each one.  Okay, granted my first two, the lumpectomy and mastectomy, were pretty standard day surgeries but the fact that I’m a lightweight when it comes to pain medications made my post surgeries pretty funny.

In the years of B.C. (before cancer) I was that annoying woman who never took any from of drugs. No aspirin, no Tylenol, no alcohol, nothing.  If I had a headache, a cup of coffee would do the trick.  So, when I had the lumpectomy, I didn’t want to take any pain meds because I was afraid of my reaction, but my daughter Renee insisted I take at least one pill in case I woke up in the middle of night “screaming that my arm feels like it’s falling off.”  I have no idea why she thought that, but to reassure her I took one.  Holy shit! I felt sick to my stomach, dizzy and faint! So much for that bright idea Renee!  Turns out I’m sensitive to codeine so a few weeks later after the mastectomy the doc gave me meds without codeine and suddenly everything around me seemed really funny!  My son had given me a boxed set of I Love Lucy episodes and let me tell you!  Watching her eat those chocolates on the assembly line when you’re stoned on pain meds is REALLY funny!  I cried laughing every time I sat to watch an episode.  BT was a little concerned that I had truly lost it!  Of course he called Eric for him to research the meds and he assured BT that I was fine.  I cried laughing at a Delisio commercial! I still laugh whenever I see it!  Not to mention that my natural inappropriateness got a little out of hand but I don’t think I should get into that because Eric may stop talking to me.

So, one year after my last radiation treatment (2010), I had my reconstruction surgery.  Now just shopping for a doctor that could do the procedure was an adventure.  Because the radiation had been very thorough, implants were not an option for me because my skin would not stretch to accommodate the implant.  Lucky for me my niece’s husband in Toronto works in the medical field so he asked around to see who was the best boob surgeon in the city (he asked nurses because they know what’s up).  He came up with a list of three surgeons.  The first one talked about implants because he thought that I was too thin for a tram flat (that’s when they take flesh from your tummy and make it into boobs) without reducing the size of my healthy breast.  I wanted to get rid of the other breast anyway so I told him that I was fine with going with the small breasts option.  He didn’t think that he could find enough tummy fat to do both breasts.  So on to the next doc.  She said that there was a new tram flap procedure that I could get but their hospital didn’t really have the staff to do it (a micro-surgeon is needed for this surgery).  Now I was down to the last recommended doctor at Scarborough General.  He was very enthusiastic about performing the new procedure, said that he could totally do it with his team of 5 surgeons.  He gave me a video of the procedure to watch with BT. Ya right! Like he could watch that!  It’s called a super-charged tram flap! I’m not making this up! Dr Sproule has a video of it on YouTube.

February 2010 I’m totally pumped to get my new boobs.  It was a 11 hour surgery (they thought it would be 9), performed by 5 doctors.  They took the flesh from my tummy to make my left breast and, believe it or not, a lower ab muscle to make my right (Dr Sproule kinda thought about using that muscle the spot). They slide the flesh under the skin of the torso and attach all the blood vessels to the chest.  It’s much more complicated than that so YouTube it if you want. Well of course I slept through the whole thing but poor BT and Eric waited all day for me to come out of recovery.  The recovery was fine even though I couldn’t get out of the bed or move really.  The night they transferred me out of recovery, I got so freeken sick, they thought I had C Difficile so I was transferred into isolation. Bonus! My own room!  I didn’t have C Dif but stayed in the hospital for a week and lost 9 kg.  The doc comes by to take a look at his work and was quite satisfied but I look down and… what the fuck????  My belly button is now on my left boob!  He says “oh it’s ok  we’ll get that fixed at your next surgery.” What?  There’s going to be a next surgery?  I needed more work done to tweak my new breasts.  AND, I had no belly button!  Out of the hospital I go and do my recuperation at my wonderful niece’s house.  I had told her she would have to change my diapers but for some reason she outright refused and instead said she’d just put a kitty litter box in my room!  What a bitch right?  Her amazing kids drew dozens of pictures for me and pasted them on the wall of “my” room.  Well, you know how I react to pain meds, Tara and I critiqued their work for a few hours until I had to throw her out of my room because we were laughing way too much!  I may have split a few stitches.

Surgery #2 (or 4 if you count the lumpectomy and mastectomy) was, thank goodness, day surgery so I was back at Tara’s for the evening.  We head to Toronto the day before my “little procedure” to remove the belly button from my breast and put one on my tummy.  I’m getting ready to take the disinfecting shower you’re supposed to take the day before and the morning of the surgery and…. I spring a leak! I had on these clear bandages that they use to protect the site and I swear I had a fountain of pink liquid spurting out of my breast!  Thank goodness I wasn’t on carpeting!  I’m buck naked (ewwwww) yelling “Help! I sprung a leak!”  BT and Tara were a floor above me and of course BT is freeking out thinking it’s blood and Tara come sauntering down the stairs with her little basket of first aid supplies looking like the Easter Bunny carrying treats.  The fountain eventually becomes a slow leak and we were able to get it under control.  The liquid was just normal secretion from the surgery site.  We had a good laugh with that one.

Surgery # 3 (or 5).  I have my belly button free boobs and my navel in the right place but somehow it had closed.  Now I needed nipples and a realignment of my navel.  By this time, I’m pretty tired of being put to sleep (get it??? “tired of being put to sleep” I crack me up!), so I asked the surgeon if it would be possible to have local anesthetic for the procedure.  He asks if I’m sure and Hell Ya I’m sure!  So here we go! I’m thinking I’ll be able to listen to them discuss the surgery and it’ll be Way Cool.  Nope! Not cool!  I could hear the instruments and feel the tugging at my chest and my belly!  AND I swear I heard them discussing how a doctor had been fired because he was caught having sex in the stairwell!  WTF? Once I came out of it a little, the doctor asked me if I had hallucinated while he was operating.  I told him about the conversation that I thought I had heard and he laughed real hard! For some reason I also asked him when I could drive the Zamboni!  What the hell?  In the recovery room the nurse told me that the meds they give you when you have this kind of procedure are worse than the general anesthetic and not to go up and down stairs by myself because I could pass out without warning or get near a hot stove.  Note To Self, Never have a procedure awake when you can have a good nap.

I think there may have been another surgery in the reconstruction process but I can’t remember them all.  The final product is quite acceptable but I have a wicked scar on my abdomen that no one sees anyway unless I wear my string bikini, but that’s only on special occasions.

By 2012, I’m back to my fabulous self.  My scars have healed, I’m working out like a mad woman and my hair is the style I wanted (a cute little 1920’s bob) and my daughter had just gotten married.  As you already know, the cancer metastasised in my femur and I needed more surgery to insert a rod in my leg.  “Okay so it’s just day surgery right doc?” Nope, 5 days in the hospital.  Shit! I. Hate. Hospitals!!!! They’re full of germy germs!!! My kids and their cousin Krista go to my hospital room while I’m in surgery and disinfect the shit out of it!!!  Thanks guys.  The orthopedic surgeon inserts a big ass pin in my leg and attachec it to my hip bone and my knee through the bone that was almost non existant by then.  The only thing that kept me from breaking my femur was that my leg muscles protected it (thank you 3 day a week spin class and weight training).  It could have shattered and that would have been really hard to repair.

So I have the surgery and the pain is really quite mild so no painkillers for me, thank you very much!  I was able to get out of bed the same day as the surgery with the help of a walker and the nurse.  Things are really good!  Until I decide to go to the bathroom by myself with the walker.  As I’m getting out of the bathroom, I pass out cold on the floor.  My room mate calls the nurse and all I can think of is how the hell are they going to scrape me off the floor with this peg leg of mine and thank goodness I had time to pull up my underwear.    Now they needed to find out why I passed out.  I needed blood.  Sounds easy but….I have lymphedema in my left arm from the mastectomy so they can’t give me the intravenous in there and my right arm’s veins are tiny and burned from the chemo.  Five nurses tried to get the stupid needle in.  Ten tries later and with my room mate sending prayers to whatever saint guards veins and such, and they get it in…. my foot! Ouch!

It only took a few days for me to go from a walker to crutches and then to a cane (I once challenged an old man in the mall to a race but his wife wouldn’t let him. I think she thought I was coming on to him).  My crutches of course looked fabulous because my kids had taped over them with pink zebra stripped duct tape and pasted rhinestones on them! I went to a wedding so they changed the duct tape to black and white zebra stripes to go with formal wear of course. I needed more radiation after my surgery but  I rocked those crutches at the Cancer Center!  Six weeks after I was discharged,  I was able (with the doctor’s ok) to go back to spin class.  I still feel pain in my hip once in while but nothing major considering there are tumors in both my hips now.  I’m hoping that the strength training and the chemo keeps the tumors in check.

Fingers crossed, these are my last surgeries.  If I do need more I’m sure there will be strange and hopefully, funny stories to go along with them.

My next posts will cover chemotherapy and how to deal with the side-effects (like uncontrollable cursing and anal leakage. Just kidding! maybe)